How to write a personal condolence letter

To help you find the right words, follow our step-by-step guide on how to write a personal message when offering words of condolence.

What was your relationship with the person who died?

‘The tone of the letter and what you want to say will depend on how well you know both the bereaved person and the person who died,’ says Charlotte Haigh, a funeral celebrant and soul midwife. But even if you were good friends – rather than work colleagues or neighbours, for example – it can be tricky finding the right words to say.

There are a few general points to follow when writing a condolence letter or sympathy card:

• Write it by hand. ‘We rely so much on text and email but there’s something very special about getting a handwritten letter in the post,’ says Charlotte. It feels a lot more personal than if you just typed it out.' Taking the time to pick out a nice card or piece of stationery to handwrite a message shows genuine thought and care.

• Keep it quite short. Experiencing a bereavement can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. The person grieving might not have the emotional energy or capacity to read through pages and pages, so it’s always best to keep things simple and to the point. ‘A brief, sincere condolence message to a friend can be beautiful,’ Charlotte says.

• Don’t expect an instant reply. There’s a lot to do after someone has died, such as sorting out the person’s estate, closing bank accounts and making funeral arrangements, so the bereaved person may be too busy to reply straight away. Be aware that they might not reply at all, as they may not be in the right frame of mind.

The dos and don’ts of a condolence letter

Before putting pen to paper, take a while to think about what you want to say – and what you should avoid saying.

DO

Send it promptly – if a condolence letter is sent weeks or even months after someone has died, the person grieving might feel like it was an afterthought or not a priority. Worrying about what to write may lead to procrastination and hesitation about sending anything at all, but it’s better to send something rather than nothing.

Use their name – you may want to avoid using the name of the person who has died to prevent the bereaved getting upset, but this can end up causing loved ones more pain. It’s usually comforting for them to hear their loved one’s name, so start by explaining how you met and what your relationship with them was.

Keep it simple and heartfelt – starting the letter can be the most difficult part, but ‘simply saying “I’m so sorry to hear about [their name] and I want you to know I’m thinking about you” is a good way to start,’ says Charlotte.

Share a special memory – if you were good friends with the person who died, share one or two memories that their family or partner may not know about them. ‘This gives them a fuller picture of their loved one,’ Charlotte says, ‘and shows how important they were to others.’ You could even include some photos they may not have seen before, giving them a physical reminder of how many lives they touched.

Offer some practical help – instead of saying: ‘let me know if you need anything,’ be specific. Phrases like this actually put the burden on the bereaved, as they may feel uncomfortable approaching you for something specific. Offer to look after the kids once a week, do a big shop or meet up at the weekend for a coffee. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t offer something you cannot fulfil.

Remind the bereaved of their own strength - someone who is grieving is likely to be feeling lost, alone and helpless. They might be experiencing feelings of self-doubt and anxiety about what the future holds for them. During this difficult time, try to remind the bereaved of their own strength and qualities that will help them through this period, such as their optimism and resiliency.

DON’T

Offer platitudes or clichés - expressions like ‘they had a good innings’ or ‘things happen for a reason’ are rarely comforting or helpful when someone is grieving. Be brave, write authentically and openly, in a voice you would usually speak to the bereaved in.

Overshadow their emotions – it’s natural to feel upset when someone you care about dies, but avoid using words like ‘heartbroken’ or ‘crushed’. This letter is meant to comfort the bereaved, not make them worry about you.

Use overly religious images or language – ‘Unless the deceased was part of your faith community, and it would be appropriate, don’t push your beliefs about death, the afterlife or spirituality,’ advises Charlotte. Keep it neutral.

Sign off with formal language – it can be tempting to finish your condolence letter with phrases like ‘Yours sincerely’ or ‘fondly’ but remember to keep it personal. When signing off the letter, try to think of some thoughtful words that show your affection for the person that has died and offer support to the bereaved. You could repeat the fact that you miss the person who has died and are thinking of their family.

You may prefer to write a short sympathy card or send a note with flowers instead. However you choose to remember the person who died, you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re struggling to find the right words or cope with the death of someone, read our guides or reach out to a charity who offer help on bereavement support.