How to have meaningful conversations with your loved ones
Learn how to start meaningful conversations and discover more about the lives of the people you care about.
Why meaningful conversations matter
The people closest to us all have a story to tell. Sometimes we think we know everything there is to know about the people we love. But it’s often when they die that we wish we’d asked more questions about their lives.
Research commissioned by Co-op Funeralcare found that 2 in 5 people wish they had learned more about their loved ones before they died.
We’ve partnered with coach and author Lili Myers, whose husband, Hairy Biker Dave Myers, died in 2024. Lili is sharing her experience to encourage people to talk to their loved ones about their memories, achievements and funeral wishes.
Lili Myers
“You have to make the time to talk, otherwise you will regret it. If you don’t find the space now, when? Life happens, and you might not have the chance to do it again.”
Learning something new about someone you’ve known for many years can be both a positive and emotional experience. It can help you understand the events that shaped them into the person they are today. These conversations can be funny, touching or surprising. Stories you’ve not heard before can bring joy to the person sharing them and the person listening.
“After Dave’s cancer diagnosis, we spent many months talking about the dreams we had, the plans we’d made and the beautiful memories we’d shared, both funny and sad. He would want to be remembered as someone who loved life. He always said - if you want to do something, do it the whole way."
- Lili Myers
Talking to someone you love whilst they’re still here gives them a chance to reflect on important moments from their life. It can also help you preserve their stories for years to come.
What could you talk about?
What makes a conversation meaningful will depend on the person you’re speaking to. Some people enjoy sharing memories and life experiences. Others may prefer to talk about their hobbies, interests or everyday life.
You do not need to follow a checklist or ask every question. Let the conversation flow naturally.
Some people might not feel comfortable talking about their past. It’s important not to force them to talk about anything they don’t want to. Instead, you could talk about other things that matter to them in the present.
We have created a list of topics and questions that could help you get the conversation started.
Childhood and early life
You may already know some stories from their early years, but there could be details you’ve never heard. They might remember primary or secondary school, childhood friendships, family holidays or a special moment that stayed with them.
Questions you could ask include:
- what was your happiest memory growing up?
- what was your favourite thing to do as a child?
- do you have any memories of school that stand out?
- do you think your younger self would be surprised by how your life has turned out?
Family and friends
The people we meet throughout our lives often have a lasting effect on us. The person you talk to may want to share memories of their partner, family, friends, colleagues or others who played an important part in their life.
Questions you could ask include:
- who has had the biggest impact on your life?
- is there a piece of advice someone gave you that has always stayed with you?
- who made you laugh the most?
- what is one memory with a friend or family member that you’ll never forget?
Work and achievements
Even if you know someone’s career history, they may have stories you’ve never heard. They might want to talk about their first job, the people they worked with or a moment that made them proud. Achievements do not have to be linked to work. Your loved one may be proud of raising a family, helping their community, volunteering or creating something of their own.
Questions you could ask include:
- what was the first job you ever had?
- what was your favourite job and why?
- what achievement are you most proud of?
- is there something you’ve done or created that you wish more people knew about?
Hobbies and interests
Hobbies and interests can tell us a lot about what brings someone happiness. This can be a good topic if your loved one prefers talking about the present rather than the past.
Questions you could ask include:
- what is your favourite song, TV show or film?
- what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
- what is your favourite place you’ve visited?
- is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to try?
Looking ahead
Meaningful conversations can focus on the future too. Even as we get older, or if we’re living with a serious illness, there may still be things we would like to learn or experience. Talking about the future can help you understand what matters to someone now. It can also give them something positive to think about or look forward to.
Questions you could ask include:
- is there something you’ve always wanted to do but have not had the chance to?
- is there anything you would still love to learn or try?
- is there somewhere you would like to visit?
- how would you like to be remembered?
How to start a meaningful conversation
Some meaningful conversations happen naturally. Others may need a little thought or planning. Choose a time when you don’t feel rushed and a place where you both feel relaxed.
You could talk at the kitchen table over a cup of tea, during a walk or while doing an activity you both enjoy. Looking at old photographs and videos can help bring back memories too.
Some people may prefer talking in private, while others might feel more comfortable with a small group of family or friends. Give them time to think and try not to interrupt, correct details or push them to discuss something that makes them uncomfortable.
Talking about funeral wishes
Research commissioned by Co-op Funeralcare found that 1 in 7 people (14%) wish they’d known their loved one’s funeral wishes.
These conversations can be difficult for everyone involved. You may not know what to say and the person you’re speaking with may not feel ready to talk.
"Dave refused to talk about his funeral with me, so we were relying on clues from things he’d mentioned before. Although he had a fitting send off in the end, looking back, I wish I’d had the wisdom to help him open up about his wishes. We need to normalise these discussions, not only to prepare for what’s coming, but to accept it as part of life”
- Lili Myers
Not everyone feels comfortable talking about their wishes, and that’s okay. But some people find comfort in sharing what they want, and knowing their wishes can make decisions easier for family and friends.
If they want to tell you about their funeral wishes, here are some things you could talk about:
- if they want a funeral service or not
- music that matters to them
- readings or poems they like
- who they want to speak at the funeral
- any dress code for the funeral
- where people should go afterwards
- whether they want to be buried or cremated
- what to do with their ashes
There’s no need to discuss everything at once. Give them time to answer and do not pressure them if they’re not ready.
If someone you care about is dying, these conversations may feel especially difficult. For more advice, you can read our guide on talking to someone who is dying.
Preserving memories for the future
After your conversation, you may want to write down the stories you’ve heard. You could also make digital copies of old photographs and videotapes to help protect them from damage and keep them safe. The memories you preserve can be shared with family and passed down to future generations.
If you buy a funeral plan from Co-op Funeralcare, you can collect a free 1 brilliant life journal from one of our funeral homes. The book has prompts to help you start conversations, record memories and talk about the things that matter to you. You can give it to someone as a personal record of your life, written in your own words.
Research
Survey of 2,000 UK adults nationally representative commissioned by Co-op Funeralcare and carried out by Opinion Matters between 9/9/26 and 15/9/26.