How to tell my family I don’t want a funeral service
How you wish to be remembered when you die is a personal choice. Not everyone will want a big service. Some people might not want a service at all. For those that want a funeral with minimal fuss, direct cremation is an attractive option. But explaining that you want a funeral that no one can attend can leave family and friends feeling upset and confused.
Below, we explore the reasons why someone might choose an unattended cremation and how to approach the conversation with loved ones.
What is direct cremation?
A direct cremation is exactly like a traditional cremation. The only difference being that there isn’t a funeral service. This means that there is no celebrant present, and family and friends won’t be able to attend the crematorium on the day.
Once a person has died, they are brought into the care of the cremation provider, where a standard coffin and gown will be provided. The cremation provider then chooses the date, time and location of the cremation, usually at a crematorium convenient to them. The crematorium will then inform the family of the person who died of the date of the cremation so they can mark this in their own way. The cremation will typically take place in the morning during quieter business hours.
After the unattended cremation, the ashes will be returned to the family, who can choose to scatter, keep or inter them.
What’s included in a direct cremation plan?
Unlike other funeral plans that have extra costs attached for third-party fees, all third-party fees are covered with direct cremation, including crematorium fees. This provides the person that has died with peace of mind, knowing their family won’t have to pay any extra costs after their death.
Also included are things like:
- Collection and care of the person that has died
- A simple coffin and gown to wear for the person that has died
Reasons for choosing direct cremation
In the SunLife Cost of Dying Report 2024, it shows the average cost of dying – which includes professional fees and send-off costs – has reached a record high. The report takes an in-depth look at how people are coping with increased funeral costs, changing attitudes towards funerals, and trends that are shaping the industry.
Naturally, cost is a big factor when choosing direct cremation. The report also shows that the cost of a basic funeral has risen by 4.7% from last year, now standing at £4,141. For many people, choosing direct cremation is a practical decision. They don’t want their loved ones to pay for a lavish send off or be burdened with the cost of a funeral. Without things like celebrant fees and more elaborate coffins to choose from, direct cremation plans work out as the most affordable funeral plans available to buy.
However, money isn’t the only reason for choosing this type of funeral. With no traditional funeral service to organise, families are spared the stress involved with planning and attending a funeral. With a direct cremation, there will be no disputes over things like what music to play, flower arrangements, which coffin to select, where the service will be held or who to invite.
Whatever the reasons, not paying for a funeral service allows family and friends to remember in their own way. Without a funeral service to budget and plan for, the money saved can be used to:
- Put towards a wake or memorial service
- Treat loved ones to a special meal
- Buy a memorial bench or plaque
- Donate to a charitable cause
- Help a family member in need of financial assistance
Explaining this choice to family
For those left behind after the death of a loved one, funerals are important part of the healing process. It’s a chance to gain some closure and say a final goodbye in safe space surrounded by the support of friends and family. Funerals offer the surviving an opportunity to pay their respects and acknowledge the death of someone they loved.
So, telling those closest to you that you don’t want a funeral service at all might leave them feeling hurt or even cheated. They might feel as if they’re failing you by not providing a traditional send off, or that an integral part of the healing process will always be missing for them.
We would advise speaking to your family as early as possible about your funeral wishes. Whether you’re discussing the type of funeral plan you’ve bought or the music you want to play on the day, talking now helps your loved ones later. This way, your decision not to have a funeral service won’t come as a shock, and hopefully they will understand your reasons why.
A good way to frame your decision for simple send off is that it will allow your loved ones to grieve in their own time. There won’t be pressure to gather family from abroad or hold a service within a set amount of time. Instead, they can hold a memorial service weeks or months after your death, allowing them the flexibility to honour your life in a way they see fit.
Direct cremation also allows your family the freedom to choose where to say goodbye. It doesn’t have to be a crematorium. They could hold a gathering at the family home, rent out a room in your favourite pub, or take in views on your favourite walk. A simple send off like this gives your family more choice to do things their way.
If you’d like more advice on what type of funeral plan may be right for you, find your local Co-op funeral director who will be able to talk you through your options.
