A funeral guide for neurodivergent people

Contents

Arranging a funeral
On the day of the funeral
Making plans for your own funeral
Dealing with grief

What is neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity is a word used to explain that everyone's brains work differently, and that everybody has their own unique skills abilities and needs. When a person thinks or processes information in a non-typical way, for example, someone with ADHD or dyslexia, they are described as neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent (ND) people process information differently to neurotypical people, and this can be seen more during times of emotional stress, such as when a loved one dies. But when it comes to arranging and attending a funeral, there are things you can ask for to make the process more manageable and that can help others understand your needs.

Arranging a funeral

When you are arranging a funeral, it may be helpful to tell the funeral director that you are neurodivergent. They can then adjust their language and behaviour to suit your needs. If they need some help to understand your needs, ask them to remember these 4 things.

1. Use clear, direct language

Using overcomplicated language is unnecessary and difficult to process, especially for ND people. Roselle Groves, a Co-op funeral arranger in Suffolk and former psychiatric nurse, says, ‘We can fall into using industry jargon, but funeral directors should always be super-clear and empathic.’

2. Slow down. Too much information at once can be overwhelming

Don’t be frightened to ask questions or stop the funeral director at any time if you don’t understand something. Roselle says, ‘If you want me to go over something again or explain it in a different way, I will. And you can ask me anything – planning a funeral isn’t something you do every day, so everyone will have questions.’

3. Explain the full process, step by step

If your loved one didn’t have any funeral plans, your funeral director will go through each step of the funeral with you and carefully explain what happens. If you feel overwhelmed and need to stop, stop. ‘We’ll let you steer the conversation rather than assuming we know what you or your loved one wants,’ says Roselle.

4. Write down any important things that need to be done

You can also ask the funeral director to write down everything that you’ve discussed. Some ND people struggle to take in large amounts of information, so having any important points and next steps written down is really useful.

There are lots of decisions to make when arranging a funeral, but these don't all need to be made straight away. Ask your funeral director to email you with a list of decisions you need to make along with a timeline of when they need to know by.

You may find this unusual at first; many ND people are used to being misunderstood in day-to-day life, so it’s a big shift asking others to change the way they communicate with you. It might help to take someone with you who understands the challenges you face. They can support you and guide the conversation between you and the funeral director if necessary.

On the day of the funeral

Attending a funeral can also come with its challenges, but there are things you can do to prepare.

Timeline

If you feel anxious about what's going to happen and when, ask the funeral director to explain all the steps of the day. Ask them to write it down if it will help you.

Sensory difficulties

Funerals can be very overwhelming if you have sensory difficulties. There are lots of people, loud noises, bright lights and colours. If you're worried about this, ask your funeral director if there’s somewhere quiet you can go during the service. Roselle says, ‘Some crematoriums have a room available, but many churches don’t. Your funeral director can find a different location if need be.’

Emotions on the day

Some ND people struggle to recognise others’ emotions, while some find it difficult to express their own feelings. This can make funerals a difficult environment, as neurotypical people may interpret this behaviour as uncaring. ‘Close friends and family know you and know you are upset,’ says Roselle. ‘But if someone doesn’t know you, remind yourself that their opinion of you isn’t worth worrying about.’

Making plans for your own funeral

If you want to put plans in place for your own funeral but are struggling to get started, try breaking the task down into smaller steps. Think about each part of a funeral and tackle them one by one. Ask yourself:

• what music would you like?
• what type of coffin would you choose?
• would you want people to bring flowers or donate to charity?
• would you want a cremation or burial?

Remember that anything you decide on now can always be altered in the future if you change your mind.

If your partner or child is also neurodivergent, it helps to write down your funeral plans. Roselle says, ‘This is one of the best things anyone can do. Just don’t forget to tell people where you’ve written them down.’

Written instructions are really helpful as they take the pressure off loved ones having to remember important information. Funeral plans also spell out your wishes exactly and save the ND person from having to guess what you want, which could raise their anxiety levels.

Dealing with grief

Everyone experiences grief differently and how you choose to express your grief is entirely up to you. ‘Grief is a very individual emotion – everybody deals with it differently, whoever they are,’ says Roselle. If you internalise your emotions, it may be hard for those around you to know if you're struggling. If you feel that you need some support from friends and loved ones, tell them.

If you have more questions or need advice about how to honour your loved one, you can go back to your funeral director. ‘We’re always here for you, even after the funeral,’ says Roselle. ‘We give everyone time, space and understanding to process their loss, whether you’re neurodivergent or not.’