Grief after suicide

Guilt is a common symptom of any form of grief, but after suicide it may be felt more strongly. You also may have ‘if only’ thoughts. Andy Langford, clinical director at Cruse Bereavement Support, says, ‘Guilt can feel overwhelming after suicide; guilt at what you said or did, or what you didn’t do.’

Some people may feel that they cannot express their grief as there are still some elements of stigma surrounding suicide. ‘This is known as “disenfranchised grief”,’ says Andy. ‘You’re experiencing grief, but you don’t feel able or permitted to express it. It feels forbidden, almost driven underground.’ Andy says there are still many strong cultural and faith-based reasons why people don’t talk about it.

There are several reasons why suicide may have this effect. In the UK, suicide was considered a crime until the law changed in 1961. That’s why the phrase ‘committed suicide’ arose. Suicide & Co, a charity that supports those bereaved by suicide, says this phrase is triggering and outdated because suicide is no longer illegal. They recommend saying ‘died by suicide’ or ‘took their own life’ instead, but it’s your choice to say whatever you feel comfortable with.

These cultural or religious norms, plus the guilt many feel when they learn someone has died by suicide, means you may not experience the usual support from friends or family following a loved one’s death, simply because they might not know what to say. See the list of specialist support groups at the end of this page if you need extra help.

Why is grief after suicide different?

Although grief will affect us all at some point, the way we experience it is unique and extremely personal. There are some common emotions, such as shock, anger or even physical pain, but not everyone will have those feelings, or experience them in the same way if they do.

If someone you love died by suicide, you might also go through these emotions, but there could be an added ‘layer’. For example, your anger might be more intense. Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) explain that you might feel angry at the person who died – even blaming them – but also angry with yourself because you feel you should have noticed there was a problem.

How to cope with your grief

The way you manage your grief can depend on your relationship with the person who died. If your partner died by suicide, for example, you could feel rejected or betrayed. In addition to experiencing more intense anger and guilt, you might also worry about what others think of you or your relationship, or whether they might blame you in some way. You might also have to deal with the financial and practical consequences of your partner’s death, such as becoming a single parent or needing to move home or job. You may find it helpful to talk to people who have gone through similar experiences. Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) have a range of support groups across the UK and an online forum that offers peer to peer support.

If your parent died by suicide, you could feel abandoned or rejected. It might also affect your self-esteem, or a feeling as though you weren’t ‘enough’ for them. Children with a parent who died by suicide are also more likely to experience suicidal thoughts and behaviours themselves. If this is happening to you, Cruse and Samaritans have developed a support group specifically for those bereaved by suicide.

Many other people will be affected – Suicide & Co say, on average, 6 people will be directly bereaved by each suicide – from friends and family to colleagues or those who barely knew them. It’s important to remember that everyone will grieve in their own way, and in their own time, but there are ways you can all celebrate your loved one’s life.

You can hold an event in their honour and give the proceeds to their chosen charity, take a walk in one of their favourite places or watch one of their favourite films, organise an annual meal out on their birthday, or ask people to send you a photo and memory of your loved one that you can compile into a book for everyone.

If you are struggling with your grief, or having suicidal thoughts, talk to Samaritans, Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) or contact your GP.

Although bereavement by suicide can make you feel very lonely, you are not alone. There are many people who have had the same experience who can support you through it. Whether you choose to call a helpline, join a support group, or find more information online, take that step to find the people who’ve been in your shoes.