How to cope with a sudden death?

Emotions after a sudden death

There’s never a right or wrong way to feel, but there are some common emotions that you may experience when there’s been a sudden death. You may feel all or none of these and that’s completely normal.

You may be in shock after a loved one dies suddenly. It may make you react unpredictably or out of character which can feel overwhelming and frightening. If you’re experiencing symptoms of shock after the death of a loved one, it may be best to ask others for help and not to make big decisions on your own so you have time to grieve.

You may also feel numb after a sudden death:

‘Numbness is our mind’s way of protecting itself from mental pain. Sometimes you may be unable to think clearly, or become confused. At other times you might not be able to express feelings of any kind,’ says Cruse Bereavement Support.

You may feel angry or blame others. Some people feel this way about a person who has died – for leaving the people they love behind. Or you may feel angry if you feel the death could have been prevented or if someone caused the death.

Having regrets when someone has died suddenly can be painful. You may feel like you didn’t have an opportunity to tell them how much you loved them or have certain conversations.

You may also go over the circumstances that led up to their death repeatedly, thinking what could have been done differently to stop it from happening. It’s also common to have feelings of anxiety, to worry about someone else dying, or something else happening that is negative or frightening.

Difficulty doing tasks and avoiding others

After a loved one has died suddenly, even simple things, such as getting dressed or doing the washing up, may feel hard. You may also find it difficult to concentrate or struggle to remember things. ‘Think only of the next minute, the next hour or the next few hours and consider what you need in the here and now to reduce a sense of overwhelm,’ says Gaynor Toulson, Yorkshire and Humberside Local Caseworker, Brake - road safety charity. If it helps, try to keep a list of what needs doing as your friends and family may be able to do practical tasks, like running errands or getting shopping.

Some people struggle to face the world again after a sudden death. You may not want to go to places where you will come into contact with others or you may worry that it will be too hard to talk to people and so you find yourself avoiding social situations. It’s also common to feel nervous or jumpy, and find loud noises distressing.

It’s okay to do whatever feels right for you and to avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable. Remember to be kind to yourself – if you feel up to it, go for gentle walks outside and spend some time with a small group of people you can trust. It’s okay to guide people on how much or how little you want to share.

What are the physical reactions to a sudden death?

You may struggle to do basic things – like eating and drinking. Everyday tasks that were once part of your daily routine may now feel really difficult.

‘Try to find a relationship with food that works for you. If you don’t feel like eating, try serving yourself small, manageable portions. If you don’t feel like cooking, try a ready-meal or something that takes little preparation. But most importantly, remember to go easy on yourself. It’s okay if you’re not eating as you normally would, but slowly getting back to a routine of eating at the same times can help,’ says Cruse Bereavement Support.

It’s common to have difficulty going to and staying asleep. You may also have vivid dreams or nightmares, due to your thoughts being in overdrive. Try resting when you can, even during the day on the sofa, and if you’re up to it, some light exercise may help with sleep.

A traumatic death can place intense pressure and stress on our bodies and it’s normal to suffer one or more physical symptoms, occasionally or frequently.

Symptoms that continue for more than a couple of months after the death may be signs of a more serious mental health condition.

If you’re concerned about any physical or mental symptoms, speak to your GP about getting additional support.

How to talk to children about an unexpected death

Children also need time to grieve, just like everyone else. Although it may be difficult, it’s important to tell them what has happened so that your child can ask questions and have conversations.

‘With a younger child, you may need to give information in small chunks. It’s really important to remember that talking about the situation and about the possibility of death and dying is an ongoing conversation, says Cruse Bereavement Support.

A child’s understanding will depend on their age. Use really clear language and ask your child what they already know, in case they have incorrect or distorted information.

‘When telling a young child that a close relative has died it’s important to avoid using metaphors like, ‘they’ve gone to sleep’ or, ‘gone to live with Grandpa’, while many adults do say these things they can be very confusing for a young child to understand,’ says Cruse Bereavement Support.

A child grieves in many different ways. They can grieve by crying, getting angry, being quiet or noisy, talking about the person who died, not talking about them, or playing or behaving as though nothing had happened. It may help to encourage your child to share their feelings and thoughts, to write down memories or to express themselves through arts and crafts.

‘There are a lot of really useful books for children and organisations like Winston’s Wish can provide suggestions depending on the age and developmental stage of the child. One of our favourites is ‘Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine’, which is a lovely bereavement workbook encouraging creativity, connection and expression,’ says Gaynor.

Brake has also written a book called 'Someone has died in a road crash’ to help children bereaved by car crashes and understand their emotions.

Talking to older children or teenagers about a sudden death may need a different approach, as they are normally more aware of the emotional impact of someone close dying.

'However, due to the developmental changes and puberty, their reactions to death are often very intense.' This can include 'aggressive outbursts, acting childishly, becoming distant, distracting themselves with dangerous activities or trying to act like a grown up', says Cruse Bereavement Support.

To help older children with the grieving process it may be helpful to make sure they aren't overwhelmed with too many tasks. It's also okay to encourage them to speak to others, it may be easier for them to express their emotions and open up to someone who didn't know their loved one.

What to do when a sudden death occurs

Unfortunately, when a loved one dies suddenly you may have to deal with legal issues while grieving. It is normal to feel overwhelmed by this and not understand all the admin tasks that need completing. We've explained some legal processes to help you understand what might happen after a loved one has suddenly died.

When there’s been a sudden death, sometimes a coroner, a legal officer who investigates and explains certain kinds of death, is needed for a post-mortem examination and other times, an inquest is required.

‘All bereavements and grief are painful, however, when a death is unexpected, it is likely to involve the need to navigate other processes such as medical and legal which can complicate the grief process,’ says Gaynor.

When is a coroner needed?

There are many circumstances when a doctor may decide to notify a coroner. These include:

• If it was an unknown, violent or unnatural cause of death
• If the death was sudden and unexplained

The coroner may decide that the cause of death is clear. In this case, a medical certificate will be completed and you can then register the death and arrange a funeral.

What is an inquest?

If the cause of death is still unknown after a post-mortem examination, or if it was a violent or unnatural death, the coroner will hold an inquest.

An inquest is a fact-finding legal investigation where evidence is reviewed to figure out how the person died. You will not be able to register the death until after the inquest has taken place, but the coroner may be able to give you an interim death certificate. Usually, a funeral cannot take place until the coroner’s inquest has been completed and the cause of death is known. Once the death has been registered, a funeral can then be arranged.

Having legal matters and grieving the loss of a loved one can be very challenging. There is help out there – The Coroners' Courts Support Service is a charity that provides support to bereaved families during an inquest.

If you are struggling with any financial and legal tasks Co-op Legal Services can also help. They can offer advice on understanding if probate is needed, helping you with a will or getting money back from the estate.

The sudden death of a loved one is incredibly painful. It can be difficult to cope with the wide range of strong emotional and physical reactions to grief. Remember, you’re never alone. Talking about what happened can be a helpful way to come to terms with a death. Speaking with close family and friends, a bereavement group or counsellor may help ease some of the emotional stress. Our funeral directors are always here to help if you’d rather speak to someone who didn't know your loved one or are unsure how to arrange a sudden funeral.