Preparing for the death of a loved one
When a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, or their life is naturally coming to an end, this can make you feel sad, angry, confused and scared. And knowing their death is coming doesn’t make it any less painful.
However, preparing for their death could help you manage your grief and give you the space to make the most of your time left together.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is the feeling of grief before a loss. ‘It’s normally used to describe your emotions before the death of a loved one, but it can also be applied to other losses, such as moving towards retirement or when the children leave home,’ says Andy Langford, clinical director of Cruse Bereavement Support .
If a loved one has a long-term illness, you might experience fear, anxiety and a greater sense of urgency. Andy says, ‘You’re always expecting that call. Being on high alert for so long can be anxiety-provoking.’ You might also feel anxious about the impact their death will have, like losing an income (if your partner is ill) or worries about how you’ll cope.
Another common emotion with anticipatory grief is feeling torn. You might feel guilty for worrying about yourself while your loved one is ill, or – if they’re in a lot of pain and discomfort – you don’t want their suffering to continue, but you don’t want them to die. ‘It can feel intolerable,’ says Andy. So, what can you do?
Asking for help from others
It’s important to recognise your own needs, and don’t be afraid to ask family members or close friends for help. Andy says, ‘People often want to help out but don’t know how. This gives them a chance to feel useful and gives you a chance to look after yourself.’ Even if they just sit with your loved one while you take a nap, this can help you feel less exhausted and more supported.
Try not to feel guilty if you do need an evening off or a day out. Many people worry that if they leave their loved one, that will be their last moment and “I wasn’t there”. This is when medical or nursing support can be really helpful.
Talk to your GP, carers, or any nurses you’re already in contact with about palliative care. They will recognise the signs that your loved one is approaching death and can contact you immediately if you’re not there. They can also advise you on the best ways to keep your loved one comfortable at the very end.
Making new memories
Although your loved one may be ill, it’s important to enjoy the time you do have together. But don’t try to make every moment ‘special’. Andy says, ‘That just adds extra pressure. Rather than saying “We’ve got to make this Christmas nice for Grandma because it might be her last”, why not just have a nice Christmas?’
Andy advises weaving special moments into everyday life instead. If you have adult children or grandchildren, having them round for dinner and looking through old photo albums together can be a great experience. And if you have any old family videos, why not hold a movie night?
You can create new memories too – has your loved one always wanted to eat in a certain restaurant, or get a tattoo? Doing these things now means you’re still enjoying life together rather than simply anticipating their death.
Funeral plans and family heirlooms
This is also a time for some difficult conversations. ‘This is helpful for mourners, as they know they’ll be carrying out a loved one’s wishes, and helpful for the person dying as they get to say exactly how people should mourn them,’ says Andy.
Talk to them about any memorials they might like or any items they want to leave in their will. For example, they might love the idea of a memorial bench, but you’ll never know if you don’t have that conversation. ‘It also avoids any points of contention between family members,’ Andy says. ‘Putting specific items in their will could save some major fallings-out!’
After your loved one has died, you can still experience feelings of intense grief . Andy says, ‘Just because it was expected doesn’t make it any less upsetting.’ And don’t beat yourself up if you also feel relieved. ‘You can love someone and still feel relief now that painful chapter of their life is over,’ says Andy.
Although preparing for the death of a loved one can help you manage the practical side of things, it doesn’t necessarily prepare you for bereavement. Please talk to your friends, family and organisations like Cruse if you are struggling.
• You can find more bereavement support and advice in our expert guides.
