Reflecting on death

The importance of slowing down and taking time to reflect

When someone close to us dies, it’s understandable that we crave a return to ‘normality’. We might not want to think about the death of a loved one or confront how we’re feeling. Some of us might throw ourselves into exercising that bit harder, or we might go back to work sooner than we should. The temptation to distract ourselves with other things is completely normal.

Things like exercise and work make up part of our daily routine; they give us a sense of purpose. However, during bereavement, these healthy, every day habits can distract us from a crucial part of the grieving process: reflection.

Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on the past or remaining in a state of permanent sadness. In fact, it means the opposite. Reflection is about remembering the person that has died and being grateful for the time you shared together.

Not only does reflection help us come to terms with death during bereavement, but it can also help us achieve a sense of perspective on life. When thought about in relation to death, so much of what we worry about day-to-day is trivial and inconsequential. Through reflection on our own mortality, we can achieve greater clarity and focus our time and energy on the things that truly matter.

Five years on from the pandemic – Covid deaths UK

For some people, the pandemic feels like a lifetime ago. But for many people who experienced the death of a loved one, the sadness and pain they felt then can still be felt today.

This sense of delayed grief can, in part, be explained by a lack of traditional funeral. Funerals form an integral part of the grieving process. They hold significant cultural and religious importance; they give people the opportunity to say goodbye and a safe space to express their grief.

However, because of restrictions that limited how many people could meet in a public place at one time, people had no control over how they confronted the death of a loved one. Many had no choice but to grieve in isolation, as they were unable to attend funerals, be surrounded by the people they love, and say a final goodbye.

At the public enquiry into the Covid-19 pandemic, it was estimated that between March 2000 and May 2023, just under 227,000 people were listed with Covid-19 as one of the causes of death on their death certificate. When you consider each one of those deaths will have affected families and friends, the impact of not being able to say goodbye in a traditional way becomes clear.

Changing attitudes

To assess national attitudes towards death, dying, bereavement and later life planning, Co-op conducted the Biggest Ever Survey. As many as 25% of participants stated the Covid-19 pandemic as a reason for thinking about their own mortality. What’s clear from this is the pandemic has been instrumental in reshaping how we think about death.

The pandemic has created a generation that is more aware of their own mortality, and as such, more open to talking about and reflecting on death.

Managing Director of Co-op Funeralcare, Gill Stewart, had this to say: “This research reveals the variety of triggers that can spark thoughts about mortality, from personal experiences to global events. At Co-op Funeralcare, we believe that talking about death can help people plan ahead and cope better when they face bereavement. That's why we encourage people to have open and honest conversations about their wishes with loved ones for their funeral.”

Day of Reflection

The UK Commission on Covid Commemoration was set up to help give people a way of remembering those that died during the pandemic. After consultations with bereaved families, it was decided that an annual UK-wide day of reflection would be most appropriate.

Sunday 9th March marked Day of Reflection across the UK. On this day, people were invited to:

• remember and honour those who died during the pandemic
• reflect on the sacrifices made by many during this unprecedented time, and the impact it still has on us all today
• pay tribute to those who were on the frontline in the fight against Covid: health and social care staff, frontline workers and researchers
• show appreciation for those who demonstrated acts of kindness during this time

Other ways to get involved

The Covid-19 pandemic affected us all in different ways, so there isn’t one ‘right’ way to remember and reflect. Some people might choose to organise an intimate event with friends and family. Others might choose to attend a larger community event. You can find events happening in your local area on the day using this interactive map.

If you would rather do something on a smaller scale, there’s still plenty you can do to mark the day, such as:

• holding a mini memorial at your home
• donating to a charitable cause that helped your community during the pandemic, like a food bank
• sharing memories and talking about the loved ones who died
• sharing an online tribute on social media or by signing a digital book of remembrance
• lighting a candle and/or saying a prayer for a loved who died
• checking in on a friend, family member or neighbour who experienced a bereavement during this time

Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But if you’re struggling to cope with the death of a loved one, it’s important that you talk to someone – whether that’s a family member or your GP. We also have a number of bereavement guides that you may find helpful.

If you’d like some specialist support, try reaching out to one of the organisations below:

• The Good Grief Trust put people in touch with useful information, helplines and advice to help during bereavement.
• Cruse Bereavement Support offer personalised bereavement support and advice.
• AtaLoss.org help bereaved people find support and wellbeing through local and national services.
• Sue Ryder provide end-of-life care and grief support services.