How long does grieving last?

Below, we take a look at factors that may influence the grieving process, ways you can learn to live with grief, and how you can support someone who is grieving.

How long does grief last?

There is no set timeframe for how long grief lasts. The death of someone close to you can feel like it happened a lifetime ago and at the same time as if it was yesterday. We’ve all heard of the seven stages of grief, but the grieving process rarely follows a neat, linear sequence like this. Grief comes in waves, and for many people, it’s not something that completely goes away.

In the early stages after bereavement, it’s easy to distract ourselves by keeping busy with administrative tasks. But it’s not uncommon for the second year of bereavement to feel just as strong as the first. You might feel like people have forgotten or moved on, and special occasions might be especially triggering.

What is delayed grief?

“Delayed grief can sometimes be referred to as ‘unresolved grief’”, explains Andy Langford, Clinical Director at Cruse Bereavement Support. “It is when the reaction to the loss is postponed, with the prospect of it being triggered some time later, and it could be weeks, months or years after the death. For instance, someone becoming very upset and angry at having watched a film clip, that reminded them of the person who had died.”

The symptoms associated with delayed grief are similar to those experienced immediately after a bereavement. Someone going through delayed grief might feel anger or guilt. They might withdraw from social activities or have difficulty concentrating. These symptoms can show weeks, months or even years after the death of a loved one.

Factors that may influence the grieving process

Grief is likely to be most intense immediately after someone dies, but there are a number of factors that can influence someone’s response to grief.

• Relationship to the person: The closer the relationship, the more devasting a death can feel. For example, the death of a parent, child or spouse will likely hit harder than a distant relative.
• How they died: If the person died in sudden or tragic circumstances, there might be a feeling of being cheated, as if their life has been cruelly snatched away.
• Age of the griever: Coping with grief can be especially challenging for children, as they aren’t likely to have encountered death before or truly understand what it means.
• Support network: Having a close network of family and friends when processing death can make a huge difference. If the bereaved is isolated, the feeling of being alone can be intensified.
• Personal history with death: If the bereaved has dealt with a succession of deaths in a short space of time, processing another death may affect them long term.

Learning to live with grief

“We often find that learning to live with the grief we experience involves not ceasing the relationship with the person who has died, but working out ways in which we can remember and cherish them, and carry these memories with us as we go about our lives. As human beings, we are wired for attachment and connection with those we love and we feel safe with”, says Andy.

The grieving process is all about finding the right balance. Although the loss of a loved one will likely always be felt, there are steps you can take to make things easier.

• Be kind to yourself: Remember, there’s no right way to grieve. One day you might feel like staying inside, another day you might want to immerse yourself in activities and stay busy. What’s important is that you get plenty of rest, don’t push yourself too hard and allow yourself to express the emotions you’re feeling in a healthy way.
• Find a routine that works for you: Creating a routine can have a powerful impact on our ability to heal. It helps create a sense of order at a time when our emotions are all over the place. Whether it’s waking up at the same time every day or taking the dog out for a walk, sticking to a routine can help you feel grounded.
• Honour special occasions: It can be tempting to avoid celebrating birthdays or anniversaries, but this does more harm than good. On these days, you should surround yourself with people who knew the person that died, to share memories. This way you can keep their legacy alive.
• Find support: If you are struggling to cope with the death of someone close to you, it’s vital that you reach out for support. Talking with family and friends can help to normalise what you’re feeling. If that doesn’t seem like enough, then professional help may be more beneficial.

How you can help others dealing with grief

Dealing with our own grief is difficult enough, but there is a sense of helplessness we feel when we see someone we care about in pain. If someone you know is struggling with long-term grief, there are things you can do to help.

• Continue to check in on them: No matter how often they may decline on plans to meet up, keep checking in and inviting them to meet up. Even if they do decline, they will know that you care.
• Be patient: There is no ‘end date’ when it comes to mourning. The process of grieving is a huge adjustment, and it can take years before it feels manageable. Instead of expecting someone to be one day ‘cured’ of their grief, show them that it’s alright to be feel this way.
• Acknowledge their loss: Bereavement can be an extremely lonely time, especially as people and time moves on. Don’t dismiss what they’re feeling by avoiding the subject entirely. Address the fact that someone has died directly and ask them how they are coping.
• Offer practical help: When someone is feeling low, it’s not uncommon for them to avoid the simplest of tasks. Things like grocery shopping or mowing the lawn feel like impossible tasks. Show them you care and are willing to help when they need it most.

If you’re struggling to deal with the death of a loved one and need specialist support, contact one of the organisations below:

• Cruse Bereavement Care: helpline 0808 808 1677
• The Good Grief Trust: email hello@thegoodgrieftrust.org
• Child Bereavement UK: 0800 02 888 40
• National Bereavement Partnership: 0800 448 0800