Supporting men and boys through grief
Co-op Funeralcare have teamed up with leading bereavement charity Child Bereavement UK to understand more about the impact of grief on men and boys. This article shares guidance on specific ways a bereavement can affect men and boys and how best to support them.
Across the UK there will be many men who are grieving. They may be missing their baby or child, a father or father figure, or may be widowed and caring for their bereaved children. Grief can be difficult at any time, but it can be particularly painful at times like birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions such as Father’s Day which can highlight how much you are missing someone important to you.
Child Bereavement UK know first-hand from the bereaved fathers they support that men can often feel pressure to bottle up their feelings, to put on a brave face and to focus on taking care of practical matters.
“Men can sometimes feel overlooked, especially when a baby dies and the focus is on the mother as a medical priority. This factor can sometimes mean that men’s grief isn’t acknowledged or understood and that they can miss out on being supported,” says Maninder Hayre at Child Bereavement UK.
Based on what Child Bereavement UK have learned from supporting bereaved men and boys, here is some guidance on how they grieve and how they can be supported.
Why can men and boys sometimes grieve differently?
While it is not always the case, men can often show their grief and cope with their feelings differently to women. This is in large part due to society’s expectations around how grieving men should behave. Men are often expected to protect those around them, to be stoic and hide their feelings, to avoid crying, to ‘get on with things’ and problem solve.
Younger men and boys may not want to show their feelings in an effort to appear ‘grown up’ and to avoid appearing ‘weak’ or ‘different’. They may also be concerned about protecting others or not being a burden on their family.
This can make it very difficult for men and boys to express their grief and to seek support. If they are unable to find a healthy outlet for their emotions, they may experience their grief as anger or it may manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, difficulties in sleeping or fatigue.
How do men and boys typically grieve?
When we grieve, we tend to move between two states. We can be focused on feeling the pain of our grief and how much we are missing the person who has died. At other times we might distract ourselves from our grief and give our attention to practical tasks. Generally speaking, men can tend to gravitate to avoiding thinking about their grief and sharing their feelings by keeping themselves busy by concentrating on practical tasks, hobbies or work. For some men, this can be a welcome distraction from their grief. However, this can also lead to them becoming stuck in a place where they avoid talking about how they’re feeling, leading to the possibility of them feeling unsupported.
How can you best support grieving men or boys?
It’s important that men and boys have a safe space to express how they’re feeling. Some men and boys can find it difficult to talk about their feelings, particularly face to face, and may prefer to share their feelings without holding direct eye contact, for example, when going on a walk, or playing or watching sport.
It can help if you show that it's OK to share emotions by talking about your own, and asking open-ended questions about how they are feeling. You might say: ‘I’ve been so sad, and you’ve been so supportive, but you don’t often talk about how you’re feeling. What do you miss about x the most?’ or ‘You’ve been so supportive to me over the last few weeks while I’ve been deep in my grief. Is there anything I can do to help you?’ Even if your male friend, relative or partner doesn’t want to talk at that moment, you’ve shown them that you are open to talking and that it’s OK to express that you’re feeling sad.
How can grieving men and boys look after their wellbeing?
Men and boys may not prioritise their own wellbeing as they may be caring for others, taking care of practical tasks or distracting themselves from their grief. However, looking after their own wellbeing can help a man or boy reduce feelings of exhaustion, isolation and helplessness.
Taking regular exercise can be helpful, as it releases natural endorphins that improve mood. It can also help improve appetite and aid sleep. Exercising with others can reduce feelings of isolation and give a change of scene.
It’s important to get quality sleep as sleep helps us to think more clearly and cope better with our emotions. Regular times to go to bed and to wake can be helpful, as can reducing things that stop you from sleeping, such as alcohol and caffeine. If sleeping is difficult, keeping a sleep diary can be a useful way to notice how your sleep pattern has changed and what does and doesn’t help.
Connecting with other people who are supportive can help men feel less alone in their grief. This could be with friends or family or with a group for bereaved men such as StrongMen, Men’s Sheds or SANDS United.
It may also help to talk to someone who is neutral, such as a bereavement support practitioner. For information on support when a child grieves or when a child dies, call Child Bereavement UK’s Helpline on 0800 02 888 40 or https://www.childbereavementuk.org/.
Co-op Funeralcare has partnered with Child Bereavement UK to fund their animated short film. Titled 'What is grief?', the animation explains different ways people can grieve, the feelings and challenges they might experience, and some things that can help them cope.
“We are so pleased to be able to support Child Bereavement UK’s animation that shows how grief can affect people in different ways, sometimes when you least expect it. Bereavement resources such as this are so important to offer support to those who may be struggling and help them navigate through difficult times,” says Gill Stewart, Co-op Funeralcare Managing Director.
